HUMOR FOR THE SOUL

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Well hello again! Yes it is the time to give a smile and laugh for a second or second or two. Maybe even share this with someone. I hope you like them. I searched high and low for these jokes. If you have any you can share by all means do so. J   By the way let me know if you liked the jokes as well. 

                                                  GOD AND FOOTBALL

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window. “This house is yours for eternity, Peyton,” said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.”

Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the sidewalk, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and red sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Patriots logo flag, and in every window hung a red Patriots towel.

Peyton looked at God and said “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame.”

“So what’s your point Peyton?”, God asked.

“Well, why does Tom Brady get a better house than me?”

God chuckled, and replied “Peyton, that’s not Tom’s house, it’s mine.”

 

One day the Devil walks up to God. the devil says god I challenge you to a football game. God says, “Why I have the best players,”.but then the devil said, “I have the refs.” 

 

                                               WOMEN AND FOOTBALL

Anyone who thinks women…

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.

—Nora Barry

Miss World Kicks Off

The reigning Miss World – from Brazil – was invited to start The charity football match by performing the ceremonial kick-off.

After an excellent game, which raised a great deal of money, a dinner was held.

During the speeches which followed, Miss World made the evening for all present when, in broken English and with great charm, she said,

‘It eez great honour for me to kick off your ball; I will be pleased to come back any time to English football clubs and kick all your balls off.’

 

                                            How To Annoy During TV Football

1) Take the batteries out of all of the remote controls

2) Show a sudden interest in every aspect of the game, especially have him define the offside law for you, many times

3) Tell him that there is no popcorn in the house.

My Wife Should Be A Goalie

“My wife would make a great goalie,” one man said to his friend.

“I haven’t scored for months.”

 

 

What Are They Doing

A football widow decided to take an interest in the game in order to share her husband’s pastime. One Saturday afternoon she accompanied him to the local match. It was a good game: plenty of open play, good attacking movements and strong defense.

She was enjoying the game when suddenly all the players except one froze and stood like statues. The active player grabbed the ball and shoved it up his jersey.

Then he too remained motionless. The woman looked at the referee to see what action he was going to take, but he too was in a statue-like position.
‘Whatever are they doing?’ she asked.

‘Oh, they’re posing for the “Spot-the-Ball” competition’, replied her husband.

 

                                    She’ll Let You Do Anything

Ron and Terry were talking about football in the bar after work.

“Are you going to the Raiders football game on Sunday?” asked Ron.

“No,” replied Terry. “My wife won’t let me.”

“It’s easy to get out of that,” said Ron. “About an hour before the game, what you do is pick her up, take her to the bedroom, rip off her clothes and make mad, passionate love to her. Then she’ll let you do anything you want.”

“OK, I’ll try that,” said Terry.

All You Think About Is Football

Wife: ‘Football, football, football! That’s all you ever think about! If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the house’ work, I think I’d drop dead from the shock!’

Husband: ‘it’s no good trying to bribe me, dear.’

 

  

                                           ADVICE FROM WOMEN TO MEN

1. The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear;
2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim;
3. If we’re watching football with you – it’s not bonding – it’s their butts;
4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie;
5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime;
6. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving;
7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed;
8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts;
9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care;
11. When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too;
12. We don’t mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance – in fact, please do!
13. When you’re out with us, please wear “our” favorite outfit rather than “yours” – the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way;
14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. a negative grunt;
15. Don’t insist that we “get off the stupid phone” and then not talk to us;
16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level;
17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily “women’s work”; besides, most of the “dirt” and clutter is yours anyway
18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you;
20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling… however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling

   

 

Remember Jesus saves and He wants to be your Savior. John 3:16 “For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have ever lasting life.” CONFESS your sins. REPENT ASK the Lord to come into your heart. ACCEPT the gift. TELL SOMEONE. FIND a church that believes in the Bible from cover to cover. God bless you

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